why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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