the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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