He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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