I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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