Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
