dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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