I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
