You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
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I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
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The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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