I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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