Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
