So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Couch. On fire.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
