just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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