Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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