I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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