Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
