you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Randomize
