im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
