so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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