from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
