i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
