Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
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