i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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