Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
