I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
