Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
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