i love accidental penises.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
