I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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