Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize