see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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