I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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