Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
