There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
