Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
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Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
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my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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