so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
