Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
