I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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