My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Randomize
