he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
