Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
