Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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