You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
