I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Randomize
