Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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