The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
