Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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