dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
