why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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