I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
