It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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