I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
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