a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
