I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
