I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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