I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
