Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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